You ready to start?
Yes, I suppose we'd better hurry if you don't want me to croak on screen.
Please just direct your answers into the camera.
So, what are your thoughts on how San Francisco's changed since the '60s?
Hm.
Not much, actually.
Really?
You don't think the city's changed dramatically?
Well, uh...
we're still people.
Aren't we? I mean...
flawed...
narcissistic...
and doin' our best.
Something to drink?
Gin and tonic.
- Champagne, please. - Of course.
Can you bring two?
I'm prohibited from...
Please?
I'll see what I can do.
Thank you.
- Nervous? - I'm fine.
You always talk about these people like they're family.
Can you call people you haven't seen in over two decades family?
I'm sure there's a statute of limitations or something.
Here we are.
Thank you.
Ah, don't worry, she's not an angry drunk. Just a sad one.
Shawna Hawkins.
What on God's green earth are you doing?
Okay, no offense,
but how did you manage to sneak up on me in platform stilettos?
They always told me I was light in my loafers.
Now, care to explain to me why you're stealing from my bar?
Oh, no, I wasn't stealing.
Oh, no, you were merely appropriating my lights, then.
Better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission?
I don't hate that.
I'll bring them back.
Go ahead, Tiny Tim.
Run.
- Thanks, Ida. - Yeah, yeah.
I'll see you tonight.
♪ I haven't stolen things in years ♪
♪ Hate flowers But I'm gonna leave you souvenirs ♪
♪ Freakin' out and paralyzed ♪
♪ Your body ♪
♪ Makes me ♪
♪ If I was one of the good ones ♪
♪ I don't think you'd like me ♪
♪ I'm one of the bad ones ♪
♪ And that's why you feel lucky ♪
For Anna Madrigal?
Yeah. Or maybe Shawna Hawkins. I think she said it was a sheet cake.
All right. One second, I gotta get a guy from the back to help me.
Be right back.
I'd pick that one if I were you.
More icing per square inch.
What's a square inch?
I'm gonna let your mom handle that one.
Do you have kids?
Not yet.
All right.
Here you go.
Perfect.
How the hell are we supposed to carry it home?
Carefully.
- Oh, please, it's on the house. - Are you sure?
A cake for Anna Madrigal, I am sure.
Here we go.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Hey.
- Got more lights. - Hey. Oh, dope. Thanks.
Hey, have you guys seen this wiener dog on Instagram, Bob?
He's so funny, man.
One point nine million followers.
What a world.
Yo, Jonathan.
Twinversation upstairs in five.
Yeah, cool. Awesome.
- Stolen? - Borrowed.
Mm-hmm.
Plants look great.
Yeah, I'm doing what I can. God forbid she let me use cut flowers.
- Anna likes what she likes, I guess. - Oh, in that case, when I turn 90,
please remember that I like money, tropical vacations,
and that one go-go boy at Beaux with the biceps and the butt.
- Will do. - Mm-hmm.
How'd we get stuck with cake duty?
'Cause we're kind and generous.
That's coded language for "suckers." You know that, right?
You okay?
Did you hear what that lady said to me at the bakery?
About our kids? Yeah.
She thought we were straight, Jake.
So? She thought we were straight.
- You're excited. - No, I'm not.
You're passing and you're excited.
What's wrong with that?
I swear to God, if you start in on your "gender is a construct" speech right now,
I will throw this cake at you.
Look, all I'm saying is we know we're queer.
No one's taking that from us.
If a couple of queers walk down the street and no one knows it, are they still queer?
I was never good at algebra.
You're so annoying.
Also, gender is definitely a construct.
Okay, so...
we're two months behind on rent, right?
- And we need to make money fast. - Yeah.
What if, like,
we tried to be famous on Instagram?
Oh, like Bob?
Yeah, exactly,
but more twins, less dog.
And, like, maybe a new look.
Yeah, sweet.
Is that crazy?
No crazier than our BFAs in Fine Arts.
Eh.
Here.
I'll start us a new Instagram account.
I can't tell if we're being ironic or not.
I don't think irony exists on the internet.
I'm not high enough to understand that.
- How's "Twintertainment"? - Mm!
It's always so goddamn cold in this city.
You should bring a jacket.
Ah. I see.
- What? Is it too obvious? - Well...
I don't know what's appropriate for this sort of thing.
I tried Googling "what to wear
to a 90-year-old's birthday party in San Francisco,"
and pictures of Cher kept coming up.
You ready?
Yeah. Will you bring the gifts?
- ♪ This physical attraction ♪ - ♪ Physical attraction ♪
♪ Is a chemical reaction ♪
- ♪ Physical attraction... ♪ - Who's that?
I don't know. Let me consult my exhaustive hot girl registry.
Hey, kiddo.
I gotta run. We don't have enough vodka.
I count four handles. That's not enough?
The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are coming, so not even close.
Okay, expert, but don't be too long, 'cause you don't wanna miss the cake.
Okay, Dad.
Hey, can you say your full name into the mic here?
I need a record of...
Do you wanna tell me your name first before you start demanding things?
I don't, no.
Are you always this defensive?
- Are you always this bossy? - Yes.
You haven't answered either of my questions.
What are you doing with that?
Making a documentary
about queer community and its dissolution
as a result of the strangling grip that capitalism has on San Francisco.
Do you really talk like that?
Only when I'm trying to impress someone.
Thought I was doing the interviewing.
Guess not.
See you later.
See ya.
He's upstairs.
♪ Physical attraction ♪
We don't want any.
I'm pretty sure that you do.
Please tell me my eyes are going bad
and you're not actually wearing a Pac-Man T-shirt.
Oh, between my shirt and your dad joke, I think we're even.
That wasn't a dad joke.
A daddy joke, then.
God damn it, you're lucky you're so cute.
Yeah, it's my main currency.
Red or blue?
Blue.
You sure?
I'm sure. Do...
You want a drink or something before we get down there?
- I'm nervous. - Yeah, I'm shocked, truly.
Well, this is my family.
I know, I've met them.
Yes, but when they're all together, they can be a lot.
Just like every other family.
This feels significant.
Mm.
It's almost like I'm your significant other.
Not in that T-shirt, you're not.
Oh! Dude...
Hey!
Come on, then.
Yeah!
So this is it? Barbary Lane.
This is it.
Shall we?
Isn't it wonderful?
It's somethin'.
♪ We go from city to city ♪
- ♪ Just to find it ♪ - Hey!
- Hey, boo! - Hey, what's up?
♪ We go around and around the world ♪
Someone tell me I'm hallucinating, because I know this can't be real!
Oh, Mouse, Mouse!
- Oh! - I never thought I'd actually see the day.
Mary Ann Singleton returns to Barbary Lane.
What are you doing here?
You think you could've mentioned this when we talked, what, two days ago?
Oh, I... I didn't want Anna to know.
Little birthday surprise.
Oh. Can't wait to see you jump out of the cake later.
Stop.
Ooh. Ooh!
Oh, my. You've gotten harder.
Warm a girl up before you try to take her home.
You know what I mean.
Well, I've been known to casually drop by the gym
- every now and then. - Yeah?
By "casually," he means two hours a day, six days a week.
Ben?
Oh! You must be Ben!
Hi.
Wow.
Oh, I'm sorry. I just...
I... I... I've just heard so much.
Yes, and likewise.
All good things, I hope.
Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.
Michael,
this is my husband, Robert.
Robert, Michael.
And Ben.
- Hey. - Hi.
Love that shirt.
Oh, thank you very much.
Ooh! Oh, I almost forgot.
I got everyone
- just a little something. - Oh!
Here I thought it was Anna's birthday.
Wow. It's...
Oh, it's...
It's a Bloodie.
- A what-ie? - A Bloodie.
You know, it's a cross between a blanket and a hoodie.
- Oh! Like a Snuggie, that's right. - Or a Slanket?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, the Bloodie actually has more advanced technology than those.
I mean, you see the heavy-duty snaps here?
They undo and they become a hood.
For those nights around the fire when you want a little extra coziness.
- Oh. - They're really... They're very useful.
It's a Bloodie good blanket and a hoodie good sweatshirt.
Ah, you did an infomercial for them.
Yes.
But, you know, well...
It's really... It's a wonderful product.
I have some notes on the name.
Thank you, Mary Ann.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Holy shit.
I'm here.
Welcome home, babycakes.
Shall we go say hello to the woman of the hour?
The woman of the century, I believe is what you mean.
♪ When you're all alone, girl ♪
♪ And there's no one else in sight ♪
♪ And I'm holdin' you so tight ♪
♪ And so true ♪
Oh!
♪ When there's magic in the air ♪
Oh, my dear.
Mrs. Madrigal.
The prodigal returns.
Come, let's sneak away for a moment.
Well...
thank you so much.
- You're welcome. It's nothing. - Huh.
How kind of you and Robert
- to come all this way. - Oh...
I wouldn't have missed it.
So good to see you.
Shall we get high to celebrate your return?
Oh, God...
I... I haven't in decades.
If there were ever an occasion...
Mrs. Madrigal, are you peer-pressuring me?
After all these years, are we still not in a place
where you can call me Anna?
You're more than Anna to me.
I'm so glad to have you home.
Thank you.
I can't say I wasn't nervous, but...
but now that I'm here, it just... it feels wonderful.
Are you well, dear?
Happy?
You know, what the hell?
- Let's light up that joint. Mm? - Oh!
Oh, this is surreal.
Reality is overrated.
There's the birthday queen.
Jake, Margot, this... This is...
Mary Ann Singleton.
I'm Jake Rodriguez, and my girlfriend, Margot.
- Hi. - We live in apartment two.
It's very nice to meet you.
The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence just got here.
Shall we?
- Holy shit. - Where's Shawna?
- She went out for more booze. - I have to text her.
- She never checks her phone. - No way she already knows, right?
- I doubt it. - Fuck.
The new generation.
- Hm. - Isn't it...
beautiful and also terribly depressing?
Terribly.
You know,
Shawna just moved into Brian's old place.
Shawna lives here? At Barbary Lane?
Time goes fast, huh?
Brian.
♪ More, more, more ♪
♪ How do you like it? How do you like it? ♪
Hello.
♪ How do you like it? How do you like it? ♪
Why don't we all try and find some cake?
It's not time for cake yet.
Dear, it's high time you learned the value of reading a room.
Come along.
♪ How do you like your love? ♪
♪ Higher ♪
♪ I get so lifted ♪
♪ Running on a tree ♪
I'm sorry...
for just showing up like this.
It was a last minute...
Midlife crisis?
Something like that.
You shouldn't be here.
I'm here for Anna.
It's unbelievable.
- What? - That you would...
No, you know what? Never mind. It's not worth it.
N... Not... Not worth what?
I'm not gonna ruin a perfectly great night.
Oh, there you are.
- Oh, hi, honey. Uh... - Hi.
Brian, this is my... This is my, um... my husband, Robert.
Oh. Perfect timing. I'm the ex-husband.
Oh, Brian, of course. Yes, I've heard so much.
Well, what do you say? Maybe we should form a club.
We could get matching T-shirts.
Honey, I'm parched. Why don't we go get a drink at the bar?
Stay. Catch up with your friend. I'll get you something.
What a dick.
- Stop it. - "Your little friend"?
- He didn't say "little." - That's what he meant.
Wow! And just like that, we're back at it.
I guess so.
Is Shawna...
Here?
She's off getting more vodka. She'll be back soon.
Do you think I should leave?
Isn't that what you always do?
♪ Now I gotta call a taxi ♪
♪ My car broke down, dead battery ♪
♪ I've been blocked off my Uber ♪
♪ The driver's a... if you ask me ♪
♪ 'Cause I was smellin' like an ounce ♪
♪ Like a zapp Watchin' summertime bounce ♪
♪ I came here to get lifted ♪
♪ I'll be surfin' on clouds ♪
♪ That's when I, I first saw you ♪
♪ Lookin' like a Friday night out ♪
- Hey! - Hey! Shawna!
Hey, nice to see you.
- Hi. Yo, hey. - Hey, baby.
♪ 'Cause I need your company ♪
♪ And I want it right now ♪
♪ Right now, baby, Imma need... ♪
- Hi! - Wow.
You on molly?
No, but in a second, you're gonna wish you were.
What, why?
Oh, good. You can handle this.
Come on, kiddo. You wanna take a walk?
- Why is everyone acting weird? - I don't think anyone's being weird.
No, everyone is definitely being weird.
All right, look. I'm gonna have to tell you something.
- Mary Ann... - Mary Ann's here?
♪ Everything is better with the green ♪
♪ Don't kill my vibe ♪
♪ Don't blow my buzz ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a fiend ♪
This can't be good, right?
We must allow room for people to surprise us.
But no, probably not.
♪ Doctor seems to be The only one with patience ♪
♪ Don't need a cure for these symptoms ♪
♪ I just need some assistance ♪
'Sup?
♪ That's when I, I first saw you ♪
♪ Lookin' like a Friday night out ♪
'Sup. Oh.
♪ I wanna take you to the crib ♪
♪ And cut all the lights out ♪
♪ 'Cause I need your company ♪
♪ And I want it right now ♪
♪ Right now ♪
♪ Baby, I'mma need another hit ♪
Oh, my God.
I shouldn't have come here, Mouse.
What was I thinking?
And what...
What was that? What was that... that thing?
That thing she did with her hand.
What is... Is that a good thing? Is that an insult?
I feel so stupid.
What? Why are you laughing? I'm serious.
Oh, yes, darlin', I know you're serious. I'd just forgotten your... earnestness.
- God, you say that like it's a bad thing. - It is.
Who's earnest anymore?
These days it's all about
burying your feelings behind a wall of sarcasm and snark.
She didn't even give me a chance.
Well, what did you expect,
that she would throw her arms around you and call you Mommy?
No, I know I'm not her mother.
I know that.
I mean, I wasn't even trying to... I just...
I... I just thought we'd have a moment.
I mean, I guess I'd... I...
I'd hoped that I'd...
give her the present, see her face to face, and...
that she'd like me.
Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
Babycakes...
I think you probably don't wanna hear this, but...
you left.
A long time ago.
And life went on.
Brian and Shawna are fine.
Better than fine, even.
Shawna was raised by an incredible, caring man.
And this weird,
magical community rallied around them.
It's much more than most people get.
Yes, I know.
I miss this.
- How long you staying for? - Just till tomorrow.
Well, in that case,
let's get back out there and enjoy tonight.
Okay?
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Sing out, Louise.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Anna ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- Make a wish! - Make a wish!
You dear things.
At 90,
you don't wish for what's to come.
You revel
in what's already here.
Aww.
Now,
would some young person blow out the candles, please?
Margot.
Let's do this.
Ready?
Thank you. Thank you.
I call them my children
because they are.
You'll find I'm not particularly literal about these things.
Literal's for the unimaginative.
I'm loving the new vibe, Jen.
Oh, actually, I'm going by Ani now.
And I'm Raven.
- Oh. Cool. - You should follow us on Instagram.
It's "Twintertainment1."
Totally bananas that "Twintertainment" was already taken, right?
I'll definitely check it out.
Oh, would you like to participate in our, uh, interactive art piece?
The idea is, like,
you write on us.
Anything that comes to mind when you look at us.
It's kind of a, um... comment on the commodification of identity.
Oh, nailed it.
Like, anywhere?
Anywhere.
♪ I always knew you would come back ♪
♪ Come back to me ♪
♪ I always knew you would come back ♪
♪ Come back to me ♪
♪ So come back, come back ♪
Go.
Go. I wanna watch you try and keep up with him.
Oh!
♪ Come back, come back ♪
♪ Heaven is my thing again ♪
Which one was yours?
Oh...
That one.
Up top.
Tell me about her.
Who?
The woman who lived there.
She was young...
and hopeful...
and naive.
She also had an ass a couple of inches higher.
It was spectacular.
You know, I seem to remember that woman.
There were traces of her around when we first met.
I'm sorry things have been so terrible between us.
Me, too.
Thank you for doing this with me.
You're welcome.
Do you mind waiting
just while I do one more thing before we go?
I'll grab another drink and take in the scenery.
♪ I always knew you would come back ♪
♪ Come back to me ♪
♪ I always knew you would come back ♪
Mm!
Love the CEO-chic realness thing you're doin', honey.
♪ Somehow I wish I could forget ♪
Thank you?
♪ The first time that I fell ♪
♪ Starin' up into somethin'
♪ I knew all too well ♪
♪ Now we are eye to eye ♪
♪ And I can't recall ♪
♪ Any other way to keep this high ♪
♪ 'Cause you and me, yeah, we belong
♪ Excuse me while I kiss the sky ♪
Needed a break from the emotional upheaval of reminiscing?
Oh, God.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize...
No, it's cool.
Do you want a hit?
What the hell.
So, has it changed?
- This place? - Yeah.
Not at all.
And you? Why aren't you down at the party?
I was trying to get away from you, actually.
- Shawna, I... - Please don't
misinterpret me standing here with you right now as a...
like, an invitation for you to explain yourself or... uh...
an opening for some sort of, like, motherly bonding.
Right.
Okay.
What's Vermont like?
Connecticut.
Yeah, yeah, what's that like?
Cold.
In just about every way possible.
It's the exact opposite of this place.
So you live here now.
- I do, yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Do you like it?
I don't really think of it in terms of, like, liking it or not.
It's more just like a part of me, I guess.
Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.
What?
- Oh, nothin', nothin', I'm just high. - Oh!
Me, too, I guess.
I mean, it's funny. It's funny, right?
- Huh? - Like, you gave birth to me,
then you ran off for some, like, bullshit career,
and now here you are, just, like, standing here.
Like, as if we're buds.
It's funny.
I'll see you later, Mary Ann.
Oh, there she is.
We need to go.
- You don't wanna say goodbye? - No.
Mary Ann...
Hey.
Mary Ann.
How are you feeling?
She thinks I'm her mother.
She... She thinks I am her biological mother.
I... I've been turning it and turning it over in my mind
because I... I thought I misheard her because I was high, but...
I... I'm sure of it. She said, "You gave birth to me."
You smoked grass?
Oh, my God.
If... If Brian never told her she was adopted,
does that mean they've all been lying to her?
What, Anna and Michael?
I mean, this is insane.
Well, no wonder she hates me.
No, she... she thinks her actual mother left her.
I'm sure she doesn't even know who Connie Bradshaw is.
This is their fault.
- Mary Ann... - Can you believe this?
You really can't see what you're doing?
What?
Shirking any responsibility? Blaming others?
- Dr. Henderson keeps telling us... - Oh, do not!
Do not quote Dr. Henderson to me right now.
- Do not. - Why did you want me to come?
To be your security blanket?
I wanted you to meet everyone.
I can't see why.
I will never understand those people.
"Those people"?
Those people are my family.
- You said yourself they weren't. - Don't do that.
I can't win with you. Come on.
I know you're unhappy,
but don't act like those people we were with tonight are your people.
Well, maybe they are.
Fine. Believe whatever you want.
Frolic among the freaks.
Do not ever...
use that word again.
I'll call in the morning and get us an earlier flight.
Good night, Mary Ann.
Good night, Anna.
That was such an incredible party, Anna.
Yeah. The cops shutting this place down?
Legendary.
Stop fussing. Makes me feel like an old lady.
Go, have fun. Be safe.
And thank you for my party, dears.
Can I help you inside?
No, dear.
I like to sit outside and...
look at the stars.
Night, old lady.
Night, my Shawna.
Gotta go to work, Anna. Good night.
- What do you think? - Don't make fun.
Come on.
I mean... what is this color, crème de menthe?
- She was just trying to be thoughtful. - You make a lot of excuses for her.
- Oh, I do? - Are you kidding me?
Well, she's like my sister.
Yeah, a sister with a lot more needs than anybody I know.
Mm...
And you?
Do you have needs that I can take care of?
Oh! I see what you're doing.
You're... You're trying to distract me.
And is it working?
A hundred percent.
Good.
♪ Who I ♪
♪ Am I? ♪
♪ Who am I? ♪
♪ How I... ♪
Two o'clock, she-mullet, ripped forearms.
She's all you.
You are a gentlewoman and a scholar.
Dude, we have 722 followers already.
For real?
People are loving the party content.
Wait, do you think Raven would say "content"? It's a little corporate.
Good point.
How many is that?
One hundred and none of your business.
Just take it easy, okay? You got all night.
Stop treating me like a fragile baby bird, dude. I'm all good.
You know, it would be all right to have some feelings
about your estranged mom showing up out of nowhere.
Okay. Thanks for the permission slip.
Yeah!
- Hello! - Whoo!
- Yeah! - Margot!
Yeah!
Margot!
Nice!
That is sexy.
- Yeah! - Sexy!
- Yeah! - Whoo! Yeah!
Yeah!
Get it, girl.
Whoo!
Yeah!
It also tackles tough carpet stains and odors, too.
...bright smile with precision whitening while you...
A blanket only keeps your legs warm, and a hoodie only keeps your arms warm.
Why hasn't anyone thought of something better?
Introducing the Bloodie!
Finally, the full coverage of a blanket
with the added head coverage of a hoodie.
It's a Bloodie good blanket and a hoodie good sweat...
To our new friends, Ani and Raven.
- And Anna. - Anna!
- Uh, keep an eye on things for a minute? - Mm-hmm.
Who's it gonna be tonight?
I got five bucks on that guy over there with the mustache.
Nah.
The goth-adjacent chick in the corner,
in the Tegan and Sara T-shirt.
She's had a pretty rough night.
Maybe both.
Hey.
Hi.
You ready to give me your name?
Nah.
Did you get good footage tonight?
Tons.
♪ And I don't know what to do ♪
You wanna get out of here?
Bathroom?
Alley. And I'm not gonna call you tomorrow.
Good.
♪ Did something I said ♪
- ♪ Make you want to... ♪ - Shit.
Wow. I really should've seen that coming.
- Well. - Is anyone else freezing?
Uh, maybe you're cold because you don't have any clothes on, Jonathan...
Shit, sorry. Raven.
Please don't slut-shame me.
Classic Raven.
♪ And I don't know where we'll be ♪
♪ But I don't want ♪
♪ Anyone but you ♪
It's Shawna.
It's nice to meet you, Shawna.
♪ I don't want ♪
Aww!
She's sleeping.
- I'll get her inside. - Are you sure?
Thank you.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Don't lie to an old woman.
It's just so weird, you know?
I'm in this new body, and...
it feels so good to finally look the way I always felt.
You're very handsome, Jake.
But the thing is,
it's not just my body that's changed.
The way the world relates to me is so different.
Yes.
I remember that part.
It's as if the very ground underneath your feet...
has shifted.
It was like this for you, too?
Very much.
After my transition,
I lost many people.
But I gained
a lot more.
I think I'm starting to be attracted to guys, Anna.
It seems to me that being interested in more people
is generally better than being interested in fewer people.
It's just so much change all at once.
And... Margot...
You know, Jake...
there's only the truth.
♪ Don't you love a man who cries? ♪
You can't just disappear in the middle of your shift, Hawkins.
- Are you serious? - No, but how'd I sound?
Was I butch and menacing,
like the foreman of a construction site?
I even put this wee little pencil behind my ear.
- Look at it. - Yeah. Yeah, that's great. I love it.
Someone's not in the mood for a little drag gag.
Not really. Sorry.
Is that why your father's here?
Is he gay yet?
My dad is here?
Jesus.
Go. Get.
I'll close up.
For real?
- Give Mama a kiss. - Oh! You're the best.
I know, I know, I know.
Oh, Nelson, everybody's complaining about chest hair in the drinks.
Hey, is there, like, some invisible marathon
we're participating in or something?
No, you're just old.
Shawna, I'm sorry, but I was worried.
Whatever.
Hey! You don't get to do that with me.
- Do what? - Just brush me off like that.
Look, I know this is confusing,
seeing her out of nowhere.
- We have to talk about it. - No, we don't.
Like, don't drag me into this. If you guys all wanna freak out
and act like chickens in a feedlot...
"Mary Ann's back, Mary Ann's back, Mary Ann's back!"
She doesn't mean anything to me,
and I'm sick and tired of people telling me she should.
Yeah, but I... I'm...
- Look, I don't care. - Okay. I get it. You don't care.
Your house is that way.
I wanna walk you home.
I'm 25.
Is there an age restriction
- on rapists and muggers? - Oh, my God. I'm fine.
- I'm fine. - What if you're not?
Well, we can't really plan for that, can we?
So I suggest you chill out.
Okay.
Dad.
Yeah?
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine, kiddo.
Well, at least that makes one of us a good liar.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
I'll text you when I get home.
Okay, thanks. Hey, uh, Shawna, can you...
Can you just please promise me that you're using condoms and dental dams?
- I know the main concern is... - Are you fucking kidding me?
Well... I worry.
Worst night. Worst night of my life.
You see? I... I knew you were upset.
Welcome to Mary Ann in the Morning.
I'm delighted you're spending your morning with me.
Now, let's see what we have for this morning's update.
Oh! Yesterday, in Australia...
- You okay? - I'll be back in time for the flight.
- How can I help... - How could you?
Good morning to you, too.
You lied to her.
- I thought you were leaving. - Admit to me that you lied to her.
I don't owe you anything.
Well, I'm not leaving until you tell me why.
Excuse me, I'm looking for the orchid workshop.
One ice cube every two weeks. Congrats, you're an expert.
We're closed.
This is absolutely none of your business.
Well, you've made it my business. Can't you see that?
No, I... I guess in the same way you can't seem to see
how you still manage to make everything about you.
What are you talking about?
If she thinks I'm her mother,
then you must've told her you're her real father, too.
- Right? - I am her real father.
You know what I mean. Brian.
You know what, you're right. You are right, and I just...
I can't believe I didn't think to do the obvious thing and be honest with her.
What was I thinking? I should've looked our two-year-old in the eye
and said, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry that Mommy left,
but, hey, don't cry, 'cause I have some great news.
Turns out she wasn't your real mom. Your real mom is dead!
And also, I'm not your biological father either.
So how about we wipe away those tears and go get us some fuckin' ice cream?"
You know, now that I think about it, Mary Ann,
how did I manage to survive without you these last 23 years?
If you've got any more parenting advice you'd like to give me,
fire away, 'cause I'm all ears.
You never gave me a chance to have a relationship with her.
You never wanted one.
Go home, Mary Ann.
I suppose Barbary Lane has become iconic.
Yes.
But people get uncomfortable around old things, don't they?
When someone grows old,
it reminds us of the inevitability of death, and...
before you know it, you're using words like...
"iconic"
instead of...
"old."
♪ I haven't stolen things in years ♪
♪ Hate flowers But I'm gonna leave you souvenirs ♪
♪ Freakin' out and paralyzed ♪
♪ Your body ♪
♪ Makes me ♪
♪ If I was one of the good ones ♪
♪ I don't think you'd like me ♪
♪ I'm one of the bad ones ♪
♪ And that's why you feel lucky ♪
♪ If I was one of the good ones ♪